Welcome to the last Sun of the year, I hope your Christmas went well and you're all in good shape and attitude for the New Year.
I hate to break it to you, but that Christmas celebration you just completed is based on some incorrect information. We'd like to call it “breaking news” but after about 1700 years, it probably rates as “old news”. But the fact remains, Jesus was born in September, not December. It was mentioned in the church columns in the Sun last week. Astute church people of course already know this, but to the great unwashed, this will come as a shocking revelation. Due to some peculiar arrangements about 300AD, involving the Romans, the actual celebration of the birth date was shifted to December.
So the jolly Romans just rocked in, probably in their sandals (although not with socks underneath and almost certainly not in cardigans), and decided to mess with the holy celebration. They've a long history of meddling with the calendar and it seems Christmas is another victim.
Actually, the Romans threw in a couple of extra months while they were trashing the calendar. Up until then, we were well placed for the introduction of the Rogers Decimal Time System, which works well with 10 months in the year. But no, some toga-toting busy-body emperor just had to screw that up. Followers of the Rogers Decimal Time System have been lamenting that ever since. The revelation that Christmas is at the wrong time of year has big implications for Santa and he's going to have to make some radical changes to his schedules before next year. He will be pretty tetchy about the Romans, I suspect. There's not a lot we can really thank the Romans for. Maybe the blinds, Roman Numerals, the occasional candle, but certainly not the aforementioned sandals. Maybe we give them credit for a halfway healthy salad, but otherwise all they really did was maraud around in chariots and mess things up.
One thing the mad Romans might have supported, had it been invented, is Free The Nipple campaign. They've been known to let one or two slip from the toga on occasions. It must be true, I've seen in on TV. This Free the Nipple movement is gaining momentum and a whole lot of people are wanting to get this off their chest: Why the female nipple is considered obscene while the male nipple gets to roam free and unencumbered? Interesting to note that while many of the protesters were photographed with their ample norks in full public view, some of the protesters chose to continue to suppress their nipple freedom by keeping them covered. Not very committed to the cause, I say, if you show up to a nipple-freeing protest, and don't expose yours. What is the point of protesting? That's the same as protesting to free Nelson Mandela, but just for the weekend. Come people, your nipples are either in our out. There's no half measures. All this Nipple Freedom needs a few words of warning, however. Not all nipples are safe to be liberated, left alone in the world to fend for themselves. I know someone who doesn't want to be named, but we'll call him ‘Brian', suffered a terrible accident while defrosting a chest freezer. The lid slammed shut at an unexpected time, and even though he was wearing a T-shirt, his nipple was jammed under the lid. It was never the same again. So take care out there people. Ensure your nipples are ready for the hazards of the world out there, before you go liberating them, willy nilly.
Speaking of nipples, the bovine variety have been in the news lately. No we are not pulling your tit. A stoush has broken out between Fonterra and Lewis Road Creamery over labelling of organic milk. Included in the accusations are that Fonterra used a “similar looking cow”. Now to be fair, all cows look fairly similar and when portrayed as a silhouette on a milk bottle there's going to be a bit of cow sameness happening. Unless your cow happens to walk upright wearing a top hat twirling an umbrella while singing: “I've got a Lovely bunch of coconuts” your everyday cow is always going to appear just like Daisy the Friesian #1765 unless she's really worked hard on a particular point of difference.
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Best wishes for the New Year from all of us at The Sun. We'll be back with the first edition of the Sun for 2017 next week. In the meantime, SunLive will continue to run around the clock, all day every day, bringing you all the news first and continuing to be the Bay's leading news service. Keep up-to-date with traffic conditions, local and national news, weather, sea and surf and vital community information. You'll even find archived columns, including historical RR rantings in there, for anyone desperate for holiday entertainment, in the event of nipples under-achieving. Check it out at: www.sunlive.co.nz and click a couple of boxes to get breaking news delivered ASAP to your mobile device.