Celebrating mediocrity, weirdness and quirks of humanity
Welcome folks to 2017 and its time to celebrate or lament some of the unmentionable moments of the year past.
RR has painstakingly compiled this list of cockups, embarrassments and generally average performances during the year, in order to celebrate the true spirit of human endeavour and recognise that not all of us can be stars, in fact most of us are in fact just average and comfortable within our own mediocrity. And some are just downright morons. For every rockstar and glinting-smile do-gooder out there on the New Year's honours list, there's ten thousand of us plonkers who are still trying to stitch together a semblance of success based on no talent, bugger-all determination, loose ideals, questionable morals, low standards and the good old Kiwi No.8 wire mentality. This column celebrates all the rest of us who unspectacularly flunked; some who failed in a blaze of inglorious infamy; and the odd ones who found the No.8 wire simply snapped and took out an eye. Fellow losers, pat yourselves on the back and reflect on another year well wasted!
And the winners are:
Stupidist Birds of the Year: Harry and Sophie the oystercatchers, for deciding to nest on the most crowded beach in NZ, precariously close to the high tide mark.
Nobody Wants Me, Everybody Hates Me, Going Down the Garden to Eat Worms award: Laila Harre, for being elected to nothing by no-one; then finding yet another ailing political party; which both her and the party are desperate enough to align with each other.
Tight Ass of the Year: Grayson Ottaway for spending zilch on election advertising and therefore not making any worthwhile contribution to the editor's retirement fund.
Worst Bonfire/Barbecue of the Year: The charter boat Peejay out of Whakatane which burnt not only the sausages but the entire boat to the waterline and then sank. Special mention however to the crew and rescuers who managed to save the 60 people on board. Three were hospitalised. The investigation into the cause of the fire is ongoing.
Slowest Horse of the Year: Multiple award winners here… Any of the ones I've backed, but particular mention to number 9 in race 6 at meeting 2.
Stripper of the Year: The one who attended the infamous Chiefs event and, surprise surprise, someone said or did something inappropriate.
Thanks for Nothing Award: To Guy Fawkes for saddling us with a pointless, dangerous, costly, anti-social ritual which has degenerated into legalised vandalism and urban terrorism, that still is the bane of society several hundred years on. It would not surprise me if he was on board Peejay.
Cinematographer of the Year: The person who was weird enough to stand outside an airport toilet to record the performance of All Black Aaron Smith and his bathroom buddy.
Parents of the Year: Steven Adam's parents, for deciding 17 kids wasn't quite enough and they needed another; who just happened to become NZ's most famous basketballer, currently playing for the Oklahoma City Thunder and in October 2016 signed a four year contract extension worth $100 million.
Cryogenics Award: To Keith Richards, for surviving one of the most severe death toll years in the celebrity world and still looking as fresh as the day he was put in the crisper.
Maritime Mystery Award: To the guy in the little catamaran who disappeared with his six-year-old daughter (at time of printing) the most riveting maritime mystery of the year. Second place for “nice try” goes to the crew who sailed the dodgy looking ketch into a bay on New Year's Eve, causing parents throughout the bay to round up their teenagers.
Real Hero Posthumous Award: Dr Donald Henderson who passed away this year. Not a rockstar, celebrity or rich-lister, but the doctor credited with eradicating smallpox; a disease which killed an estimated 500 million people in the 20th Century alone. Makes you question the people we idolise, doesn't it?
Revenge Attack of the Year: Goes to Scarface the dog who put three of his crackpot family in hospital after they tried to dress him up for the festive season. The Florida pit bull, whose name and breed should have been a warning, took exception to having a Christmas jumper pulled over his head.
Tasteless Politically Correct Hogwash Award: Goes to the ANZ bank in Matamata which refused service to a 90-year-old gentleman in a tweed hat. Anthony J Delancaster-Swinbank-Slack looked a picture of class: a tweed gentleman's cap on his head and an English Charles Barker jacket to match, when a teller insisted he took off his hat. The world has gone mad.
Scientific Breakthrough of the Year: To Bishop Commander His Royal Self Appointed Highness Brian Tamaki, for discovering the link between earthquakes and sinners; specifically the seismic spoon-bending capabilities of gay people.
Epic Fail of the Year: Goes to the American public for their inability to not find any suitable presidential candidates, but then take it a step further… and elect the worst of the bad options. High five!
Perseverance Award: To all the RR readers who wade through this nonsense every week, especially the two who make it to the end! Thanks for your support and ideas, it's great to know you're all as warped as you look. Bring on 2017!
Parting thought: Can you imagine an attempt to take Donald Trump out, and the secret service having to shout: “Donald Duck.”