Pirates, robbers and endangered things

Brian Rogers
Rogers Rabbits

One of the joys of spending a weekend with the adult children is enjoying a taste of their music preferences.

However nothing could prepare me for Pirate Metal. It is quite disturbing for the delicate ears of us middle-aged, middle of the road toe-tappers.

Pirate Metal is a frenetic thrashing of shipwrecked heavy rock, a sort of 150 per cent proof version of Alice Cooper, with waterlogged wenches thrown in.

Alestorm are among the world's leading proponents with catchy little ditties such as “Keelhauled” and “Captain Morgan's Revenge.” And of course it wouldn't be complete without a number called “Rum”.

There's even a tortured rendition of the Village People's iconic hit, “In The Navy.”
This is Riverdance gone feral. The Sailor's Hornpipe loaded with crack.  Far from your stereotype, jovial rum-infused, happy Pirates of the Caribbean attitude.

This is more like Johnny Depp with a hangover and PMS.*

If you think you're having a bad day, just take a swig of some of these leaden lunatics. It's enough to make a bloke walk the plank.

Who the hell is Harvey?

One of my old mates, Wally, was recently enquiring about one of our other old mates, Harvey.

No-one had heard from Harvey for decades, so it was quite a surprise when he turned up this week, in The Weekend Sun.

Who the hell is Harvey, I hear you all ask?

Your mission this week is to find Harvey's photo. There's a reward.

Once you've found Harvey, send me an email to brian@thesun.co.nz with his second name in the subject line.

The right answers will go in a draw for some Sun goodies.

Here's a couple of clues. His last name is not “Furnishings”. (Although Harvey Furnishings do have some great deals on readymade curtains on page 15.) Last time we saw Harvey, he was humming “Take Me To The River”.

It is so rare to get a glimpse of Harvey these days, we have to wonder if he's become an endangered species…

Endangered species

The Department of Conservation this week launched a new strategy to assist 150 species on its list of threatened critters.

Harvey wasn't listed but it included kiwi, kakapo, Maui dolphin and the great white shark.  The ‘Threatened Species Strategy' depends on the department's ambitious ‘Predator Free NZ' plan, to rid the country of pest predators by 2050.

That includes the eradication of rats, stoats and possums from a million hectares, while protecting 40 per cent more species, all within ten years.

Here at RR we know of a few other varmints that are thin on the ground and could need some special protection…

Other Endangered Species:

1. The Tauranga Indicator.  They used to operate left, and right, now they're just left right out.

2. Talented celebrities. We have plenty of so-called celebrities, but seemingly fewer with any talent.

3. The Strand footpath. Slowly being strangled by encroaching furniture, concrete walls, triffod trees and rapidly reproducing sandwich boards.

4. Parking space at the Mount.

5. A dairy that isn't being robbed.

Crimes against fashion

Note to any aspiring robbers: Be selective about your choice of underwear. This free advice from Rogers Rabbits seems necessary, after police released CCTV footage of the hammer-wielding robbers who stormed a Tauranga dairy. One is believed to have been wearing purple underwear.

Not only do such conspicuous undergarments make you more easily identifiable, it also leaves you open to further potential charges, such as crimes against fashion.  Purple underwear went out in the 90s and there's no good reason for any self-respecting robber to be seen in public in such a state.

Mr Big

Meanwhile, it seems criminals are getting fatter. Perhaps they should stop robbing dairies? Emergency services are battling increasing costs. Police have just spent $18,000 on XOS size handcuffs, since some of their fatty detainees have larger wrists.

Blankets and tear-resistant gowns used in police cells are being considered for upsizing. Wrap around gowns are needed to accommodate plus size visitors to the cells.

Even the ambulance services are encountering more big patients, recently spending more than $8m on new vehicles with electric-powered stretchers.

Parting thought:

The word “phonetically” doesn't even start with an F. What a messed up world we live in. Between this and Pirate Metal, its no wonder the aliens fly straight past us.

*Pirate Madness Syndrome




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