Roger Rabbits with Jim Bunny

Hey kids – hey everyone. Shove the broccoli to the side of your plate and you might, one day, become the most powerful person in the free world.

Because former United States President George H.W Bush famously, or infamously, hated broccoli. He was a trailblazer for legions of us loathers. He wouldn’t have broccoli in the White House. Wouldn’t have it on Air Force One. And George H.W did alright.

Martin Luther King famously said: “I have a dream”; Winston Churchill memorably said: “We shall fight on the beaches”. But then the 41st POTUS – President of the United States – trumped them both with his 1990 beacon of light: ‘I hate broccoli’ speech.

“I haven’t liked broccoli since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it.” Open rebellion against broccoli from the Oval Office. Inspired and stirring, the stuff that binds people. “As President of the United States, I am not going to eat broccoli anymore.”

Yup, the man whose finger on the red button could have unleashed Armageddon, was waging war on another front; against broccoli. What a guy? But then you also have to remember Bush was probably more famous for vomiting on the Japanese Prime Minister. Not such a guy!

What prompted all this? Something called VegElection. While some frivolous folk were occupied with trifles like General Elections, some 4500 of us more socially responsible people were voting on our most loved, and most despised vegetables. Nation-changing stuff.

A bit of fun they said. Not so – we are what we eat, we are what we like and dislike. Fortunately, I’m a great advertisement for vegetables. Such noble, good and honorable things. I embrace all vegetables – regardless of how they are presented or prepared. All vegetables except broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, broad beans, squash; mushrooms again because they are vomitus, artichokes, aubergine, courgettes, gourd, yams, celeriac, and mushrooms. Especially mushrooms. Spongy, black, slimy things that flourished around the cow pats in the paddocks where we lived. Add that pungent, old damp sock smell when being cooked. Anyway, fungi was never intended to be eaten. It is something to be treated – that grows between toes and is intensely itchy. And the only beans I like are human ones.

But I will make concessions. I will have the wonderfully glossy purple aubergine in the fruit bowl, but only for aesthetics. After all, aubergine makes it on the paint charts.

I will buy broccoli. I trim the stalks of all the leafy growth, slice them thinly and eat, if only for the spectacular, vibrant, green colour when flash cooked. The yukky floret bits get binned, chucked, insinkerator-ed. The florets have the consistency of something that’s gone to seed.

Little trees

‘Little trees’ my mum called broccoli to make them cute and edible. Tell that to George H.W!

Tomatoes polled VegElection’s favourite even though they’re classified a fruit. But hey, never the facts spoil the moment. A fruit develops from the flowering part of the plant and contains at least one seed. So tomato equals fruit, even when it wins a national favourite vegie competition? I suppose it’s all about inclusion – and don’t confuse the tomato nor the voter with botany.

It was the tomato that even moved a Nobel Prize winner to verse.

No pit,

No husk,

No Leaves or thorns,

The tomato offers

Its gift

Of fiery colour

And cool completeness.

I am a fan. No, an addict. Whatever the season, whatever the price, I have to have tomatoes. I ingest intravenously at $8.99/punnet every couple of days.

The loser

But are we really surprised kale was the out-and-out loser in this poll?

Bitter, tough, and you need the bite force and constitution of an Aberdeen Angus to process it.

I recall a delightful old man of the soil telling me his cows would walk straight over the kale to get to the turnips, or whatever, on the other side. Kale, he said, was the last thing his cows would eat.

“Hate kale,” he said. “Only grow it because people want to waste their money buying it. They should listen to my cows.” He was kind of joking but not.

‘Fashion food’ he called it, but no longer fashionable. Because kale beat out brussel sprouts for bottom spot.

‘VegElection’ – apparently a “bit of fun” leading up to National Gardening Week. But kale’s not “a bit of fun”. I suggest cutting out the middle man, with all of us joining in celebration and heaving it directly into the compost bin.

A not-perfect snack

My lovely bro, who is magic in a kitchen and can transform bat droppings into haute cuisine, once made kale chips. “A perfect snack,” he said. “Savoury, crunchy, salty.” But all the time I was eating bro’s ‘perfect snack’, I was thinking bog-standard potato chips. Any potato chip; classic, sour cream and onion, salt and vinegar, cheddar jalapeno. Just not a kale chip.

A diet rich in vegetables can lower blood pressure, reduce risk of heart disease and stroke, prevent some cancers, and lower blood sugar. But try to take that on board when you’re gagging on a khaki, overcooked Brussels sprout.

I don’t like peas,

I don’t like beans.

I don’t like squash,

Or other greens.

Instead I’d like

Some cake and pie,

A cone with ice cream

Stacked sky-high.

And can I have some sprinkles on that too please?