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Roger Rabbits with |
Today we enter the wonderful world of make believe – we step cheekily outside the bounds of truth, accuracy, balance and fairness and make merry with the facts. The Government’s going to play hardball with the gangs – banning gang patches and gang insignia in public. So who will be the first brave person to do the Government’s bidding and demand a hulking gang member remove his patch and cover his gang affiliation facial tattoo. This is our take.
National MP: “You know a man discovers himself when he measures himself against the obstacle. I have identified the obstacle and I am about to discover.”
Mrs MP: “What the hell? That’s all a bit esoteric dear.”
National MP: “Well, tonight I am going out to strong arm the gangs. I am going where no MP has gone before. Simon Bridges talked tough about gangs but then grew his hair long and followed his dreams to Auckland. Now he’s just another Jafa.”
Mrs MP: “Language dear!”
National MP: “The opposition wants to give the gangs food parcels and love and understanding for Christmas. So tonight I am going to bang heads. It’s the Government’s no-nonsense gang policy, so we, well me, must be seen to be leading the charge.”
Mrs MP: “How noble, how cavalier, how brave. But be careful dear. History hasn’t been kind to brave men of principle leading the charge.”
National MP: “Like who?”
Mrs MP: “Lord Cardigan in the Battle of Balaclava. Remember the Charge of the Light Brigade. ‘Stormed at with shot and shell, Boldly they rode and well, Into the jaws of death, Into the mouth of hell’ – etc, etc. Two hundred-plus dead. That charge didn’t end well.”
MP: “Oh dear!”
Mrs MP: “And the Battle of Big Horn when Custer charged the Sioux, the Cheyenne and the Arapoho. 268 dead, including Custer. It turned to custard for Custer. No point being a dead no-nonsense MP. No point martyring yourself for that cause.
National MP: “Because I am a chest-beating, no-nonsense National MP. We were born to rule, born to lead. And it’s going to take a man of position and power to neuter the gangs. So I am going to form a political vanguard of one, and storm a gang fortification. They will be sweating and shaking under their patches.”
Mrs MP: “What a horrible thought. Instead of a wading in with a super-charged ego why don’t you just wave a white flag and offer them a platter of club sandwiches, savouries and tiny cakes, a pot of Earl Grey and a nice chat?”
Tats and hanging baskets
National MP: “No time to be namby-pamby dear. I am about to make a statement on behalf of all God-faring New Zealanders. I will knock on the fortress gate and demand they surrender their patches in exchange for hi-vis vests with a colour choice of two. They’ll be easier seen on their new Honda ‘step-thrus’ after I invite them to trade down their Hogs.
“Of course I will carry a blow torch to surgically remove gang affiliation facial tattoos, should they choose. Or they can opt for a selection of leading brand matte, full coverage foundation makeups to conceal clenched fist, angry dog and ‘F.O.’ tattoos so they don’t intimidate little old ladies at the mall, or Rotary, or church.”
Mrs MP: “Why not just send the gangs a letter of expectation – like the Minister of Police sent to the Police Commissioner? A letter setting out policy and priorities?”
National MP: “Because gangs don’t or can’t read. And they don’t have letter boxes.”
Mrs MP: “While you are at it, you could also ask the gangs to soften the appearance of their gang pads. “Swap out the dark colours and the connotations of evil, death, pain, bleakness, and depression. Suggest lavender or sky blue and the associated feelings of tranquillity, calmness and relaxation. Some hanging baskets along the front of the pad would be nice. And coloured lights.
“The local gang pads could then feature in the Tauranga Christmas Lights Trail. Inclusivity and all that. And the gangsters who aren’t in jail could hand out Christmas mince pies and sing some carols like “Away in a Gang Pad, no crib for a bed….” Or ‘O Come All Ye patched up’.”
No-nonsense MP: “Sometimes I suspect you don’t take me seriously.”
How to tame a gangster
Mrs MP: “And this is important Dear, when a menacing 2m tall, 120kg gangster with ‘F.O.’ tattooed on his forehead and a nickname like Sludge, Muck or Grime confronts you, remember your non-verbal communication cues.”
National MP: “My what?”
Mrs MP: “Your NVCCs Dear – because the way you listen, look, move and react will tell Sludge, Muck or Grime whether or not you care, if you are being truthful and how well you are listening. When your NVCCs match up with your words, they increase trust, clarity, and rapport. In time Dear, you too might end up fully patched with a clenched fist tattooed on your face and a long unenviable rap sheet. Be self-aware – avoid any physical contact unless absolutely necessary as it may cause provocation. Remain objective, listen and provide solutions, and if all fails …then skedaddle. ”
No-nonsense MP: “Mmm – on second thoughts perhaps I don’t want to compromise my $163,961 paycheck. I might leave getting tough to the tough.”
