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Roger Rabbits with |
He’s selfless – thinks less of himself, more for others. A good shepherd of the people, an altruist.
What a guy! His greatest joy comes from serving, making a difference – saving people from, of all things, digestive discomfort, indigestion, heartburn, reflux, burping, excess gas, all caused by high fat and spices.
He’s Tauranga’s ‘sosig roll’ crusader – or ‘rat coffins’ as he calls them, evil little parcels of perhaps 400 calories and 20 grams of saturated fats.
A ‘gateway food to obesity’ are sausage rolls, guaranteed to pack on pounds and induce heart attacks, if consumed excessively.
But our crusader doesn’t moralise on nutrition. He just gets about sorting great ‘sosig rolls’ from the god-awful, the quality from the crap, the flavourful from the foul, the pleasant from the unpalatable.
“The risk of food poisoning is a dangerous factor,” says the rat coffin crusader. “But it’s a risk I shall gladly take for my followers.” What a champion. He is why they invented OBEs.
The truck driver goes bakery-to-bakery, day-after-day – rating the ‘sosig’ rolls, saving us time, money and bad ‘sosig roll’ experiences.
He is doing God’s work. And I’m a believer because I haven’t had an unpleasant gastrointestinal experience or needed a Quick-Eze since we connected.
Then he posts his ‘sosig roll’ critiques on Reddit.
Try this #ratcoffinreview for size, consistency and flavour.
“…in Pāpāmoa East today. Sausage roll as soft as a pensioner’s poo. Real home-made type meat. Crummy little f**ker.” Is that an invitation to eat or avoid? But I do know soft and warm ain’t good.
Normally there’s an image of the ‘rat coffin’, and the bakery which produced it.
“Hope you get a laugh and some enjoyment.” He didn’t expect to get so much interest. “I’ve dropped myself in it now.”
A few duds
While sorting the ‘yum’ from the ‘yuk’ he reckons he’s being punished with a few duds. Overall, he says, Kiwi ‘sosig rolls’ are pretty ordinary.
“In Taupō CBD today – We find a rat trap (bakery/café). No tail included. Plenty of herbs and unyon inside this roadkill.”
A rapturous review and 8/10. Store that away – that’s a ‘stop and try’ rattery.
We’ve been brought up to believe train smash and ‘sosig rolls ‘are inextricable, like Putin and perniciousness.
As one poster remarked: “….tomato sauce is an ideal antidote for any ‘sosig roll’ shortcomings”. But no! Absolutely not says our ‘sosig roll’ fusspot.
“Pure ratty only. Covering in Wattie’s tucker f###-er would hide the true rodent flavour.”
As we talk, the Crusader is scuttling rat-fashion around the Waikato. There’s never good news from over there. “Today’s rodent at Te Poi was all puff and no pants. Reminded me of when we were poor and had to eat newspaper for dinner. The meat was very similar to the small rat coffins served up at a kids’ party.” 5/10. Average. Did you know rats poop on the move, and especially if they’ve been eating ‘sosig rolls’ made in Waikato?
One-quarter
We now scurry, like a rat on the run, across to Edgecumbe.
“Like the town this rat was born in, not a lot going for this rat coffin – on the pastry part at least. Meat-wise it was a decent taste ‘n’ chunky with onion like a good rat deserves.” 7.5/10.
A local has a seismic explanation for a less than seismic score.
“Edgecumbe would have better rat coffins if it wasn’t for the ‘87 earthquakes.” That figures.
We’re a bi-pastry culture in New Zealand – pies and sausage rolls. Apparently one-quarter of all New Zealanders eat a ‘sosig’ roll and meat pie at least once a week. We look as though we do.
And we’re sensitive about them. Insult the local bakery’s ‘sosig rolls’ and you insult me.
Case in point: “The rat coffin I found in Welcome Bay today was far from welcoming. Like an old person’s skin – dry and flaky. Ratty was still alive, far from cooked.” 2.5/10. Ouch!
Nightmares
Back comes this salvo from one defensive local follower: “I hit that bakery as it opens, and they’re worth at least an 8/10 due to the way the ratty pastry crumbles and melts in your mouth and flavourful meaty goodness. Buy fresh-baked and reconsider your rating when your cranky ass hasn’t been driving all morning.” Ouch again!
It appears too many rat coffin reviews, like rat coffins themselves, are bad for you.
Pureshark posts: “…having nightmares about being rolled up in pastry and only getting 3/10. My life is important enough for 7/10.”
And from #pleaselove: “I hope you eat some fruit and vege to keep your gut biome healthy. Too many rats can’t be good.” Do you really contemplate your intestinal tract when hooking into a ratty?
Email: hunter@thesun.co.nz
