Roger Rabbits with Jim Bunny

The sun’s up over Waikareao Estuary. “Sparkling waters of the new day” it means. Doesn’t te reo Māori paint wonderful pictures? And today Waikareao is living up to its name. The tūī is in full throat up in the pūriri.

I jam the pad of the index finger firmly to the side of the neck. Lup-dup. Lup-dup. Yup, there is a pulse. There is life.

I flash-fry the black pudding, slap it on hot buttered Vogels with a raw egg, and take a slug of that coffee with the wonderfully complex nutty aromas. What can go wrong with the day? Let me tell you what can go wrong. And all the ways it can go wrong.

It starts when you go online to get abreast of the day. Why do old people always check the death notices first? I suppose if your name’s not there, you can get up and get started.

There’s the same old high-fibre breakfast diet of blood-letting, ill-winds and assorted misfortunes.

MPs are bickering over the size of the hīkoi, we lose a cockfight in Paris, another mass shooting in the US – 454 this year at last count – not bad for a country steeped in conservative Christian values.

A car crash on 15th Ave, and supermarket bosses have signalled more price increases. Really? If they hadn’t warned us, how would we have ever known? I just look at the ticket price and add $1 to cover any increases by the time you hit the checkout.

That’s the uplifting stuff. Then a snippet that could derail the day. Headline: “What to do if a moose, or elk, comes up to you at a bus stop and nudges you to follow.”

Common sense tells me to explain to 1000kg of rutting unpredictability that you enjoyed the encounter but are about to catch a bus and don’t have time to follow. But the elk will know that when catching a bus in Tauranga, there’s always time. Don’t flash your pre-paid smartcard, ’cos he’ll eat it. Then you will have to walk and explain you are late because an elk ate your bus ticket.

This morsel 

Then this morsel of clickbait about ‘the flamingo challenge.’ “How long should you be able to stand on one leg?” Yes, we do need to know, because people who can’t “flamingo” for more than 10 seconds apparently have a vastly increased risk of dying within 10 years.

Standing on one leg is a true marker of wellbeing because, I read, it uses so many parts of the brain and body at once to test balance and strength. Lose it and you are knackered. Exciting, high-stakes stuff, eh? You can imagine hordes of boomers up and down the land, drawing the curtains and standing on one leg. Do “the flamingo challenge” and find out if you’ll last out the decade.

Why do I feel the “sparkling waters of the new day” are starting to lose their glitter.

It gets worse ...  

“Single people 80% more likely to be depressed” ... As a partner surplus to requirements, I read I am 80% more likely to be depressed than someone who is wedded or in some sort of relationship.

Is it good for my well-being to read this stuff? Then it gets worse. The “divorced” or “separated” or friendless, me, have a 99% higher risk of depression. The world is punishing me because I am a failure at relationships. So I tell myself to stop reading – do something proactive, go outside and throw stones at the sparrows or kick the neighbours’ cat.

Some other online headlines to ginger up our day:

“World’s best cat litter with multiple clumping formula” ... Apparently you, not the cat, feel good using it. “20 signs you are stuck in a relationship going nowhere.” And: “The world’s tastiest dishes to try before you die.” How about: “How much does your skeleton weigh?” Or: “How often should your pet eat each day?”; “Gut-friendly foods”; ”5 most common death bed regrets.”

See where this is all going? “Twenty of the worst epidemics and pandemics in history.” And “Diseases and infections that can kill within 24 hours.” Fascinating, uplifting stuff to kickstart the constitution.

Long life or Legionnaire’s? 

In the meantime, I might log off and go potter in the garden, get the hands dirty, be at one with nature, because I am reminded of a microbe in soil that sets off the serotonin, the happy juice, in our brain. The “groundbreaking study” found pulling weeds may protect gardeners against dementia and lead to a longer life.

But what about all the spores, and potting mix and Legionnaire’s Disease? Or am I getting paranoid now?