Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Many of you have a lot of very good theories as to why a ship would be wrecked on a reef.

But they're not as good as this one.

This theory was developed as the RR research team wandered the windswept beaches of Matakana Island earlier this week. It is based purely on the items found on said beach, and we have drawn some logical conclusions, based also on scuttlebutt doing the rounds of the local marine sector, of which we are a little bit ingrained. But also because we've studied Crime Scene Investigation. The television series, that is.

But before we start, I want you to know that this scenario is purely fictitious and any resemblance to a real life situation, person or ship is purely coincidental.

It goes a bit like this.

A ship about to sail from an east coast New Zealand port, say, Napier, is bound for say, Tauranga, and it's the captain's birthday.

So at Napier, a whole gaggle of Napier's finest shipgirls are loaded aboard, along with a bit of cargo, possibly a container or two and a large amount of refreshments.

How do we know there were shipgirls aboard? Well, not all the rumours can be wrong, can they? Besides, we found one of their shoes on the beach this week.

How do we know it was a shipgirl's shoe? Well, who else would wear super duper high cork heels?

The RR team surmise that if you are shipgirl, you would wear cork heeled shoes, in case of falling overboard. Or, in a very rare circumstance, the ship might HIT A REEF and be wrecked. Unlikely I know, but work with me here. It COULD HAPPEN.

Some doubters within the RR research ranks believe this is pure nonsense, because a shipgirl falling overboard in cork heeled shoes would float upside down. This surely is an investigative opportunity for a future RR column, in which we will dangle a selection of slappers in water to see how their particular footwear offers any sort of lifesaving benefits.

So, back to our purely fictitious scenario. The captain and crew are having a jolly fine time, drinking rum, a few cans and smoking an Asian brand of cigarettes.

And we all know what happens when you smoke Asian cigarettes, because Dave Dobbyn and the Th' Dudes told us, back in the seventies:

Asian cigarettes
A long talk a few cans if you can
Be my bare-skinned baby
In for a long night
A strong night
You! Look what you've done to me
You lit me you bit me
I'm rapt, whoa!

And there's no shortage of cans evident amongst the flotsam, more evidence, whoa! So while all this partying is happening, not much attention is being paid to the route of the ship, instead attention is distracted by other routes.

During all this unattentive routing, the ship, believe it or not, ends up running into a well charted reef at top speed. Whoa!

This causes an abrupt deceleration of the aforementioned shipgirl's legs, which at the time of penetration (ship into reef) were in the air somewhere south of the bridge.

The force of the impact causes the shoe to fly out the porthole.

The evidence is all laid bare along the beaches of our fine coast. Most of you look out and see twisted containers, oily seaweed, milkpowder and timber – but the investigative minds such as those at the helm of the good ship RR can see the cause as clear as day.

Once on the reef, the crew were heard to sing those immortal Dobbyn lyrics: 'I'm bailing, out on the green, I'll never get used to the sea…”

We're guessing that as dawn broke over the eastern horizon, the strains of the other classic Dobbyn favourite was heard: 'Oil, I see there's oil, too…”

Whoa!